mother's day moments | olive june

mother's day moments

redefining motherhood

it is the look in my mother's eyes,
every time we say goodbye.
it is the pregnant girl on the bus, 
softly singing lullabies to her unborn child. 
it is the woman staring at the negative pregnancy test, 
longing, hurting, grieving.
it is the elderly lady standing in line at the supermarket,
her hand on her son's shoulder, guiding him through life.
it is the barely visible smile of the woman passing by on the street, 
a sign of recognition, a safe haven.
it is the woman hiding her tears, enduring the pain, 
not wanting to worry her children. 
it is the raw power of my body that keeps on going.
it is the task of safeguarding with every fiber of your being.
it is the protective instinctive behavior, the tightening of my muscles, 
the adrenaline rushing through my veins. 

it is the new version of me. 
the softer, stronger, tougher version of me. 

yesterday was simple- just the way i would want it. breakfast in bed, a homemade drawing, a craft from parks' school and a meaningful card from my boys. later in the morning, we went to our beloved church (my heart left bursting with gratitude | tears rolling down my face for the powerful + heartfelt message, the people, the loving space, the lavender/baby's breath/eucalyptus bouquet they gave out to the mothers + those who long to be a mom- i thought of these women a lot yesterday.) and then acai bowls + smoothies, my husband snapped some photos of the boys and i in our den, nash charles turned eleven months old, and we spent the rest of the day with my husband's family; a day spent with loved ones- those days are the best days. connecting and celebrating and acting as a village to care for one another. 

 i ended the day by putting both my boys to bed - i nursed and softly rubbed nash's head as he nuzzled into my chest. and then i read parks some books. he pulled out the book, 'love you forever' from the bottom of his toy chest and said, 'i found a good one, mommy!' (having no idea of the significance.) it's no surprise that i got emotional at the end and as he leaned forward and noticed, he began rubbing my back - and then lifted my shirt and continued rubbing my back. and my mom heart melted. 
if you would like to light a candle and listen to yesterday's lovely sermon 
watershed // 5.12.19

running at me after church and wrapping his arms around my neck | "momma, this is your gift!"
"want to play cars with me, mommy? you're a good play-wither."
"mommy- you look so handsome. i am handsome, too."
they look thrilled, right? 
 but having my husband take these meant so much
he insisted and knew how much they would later mean to me- so sweet.
a year ago, on this very day, i knew that it would be one month (or less) until he would arrive. 
a planned c-section for june 12 was set at the end of april
now, it's a love to deep- i can't even remember life without him.
he wanted to wear my newly thrifted hat all day
i thought a lot about my own mother and my grandma (who will be ninety-years-old in july) up in the midwest. the sacrifices, the countless memories (especially of life in the country/growing up on farms), and most of all, the unconditional love they have both always shown me. and i thought about my sister- who is a warrior, a dedicated and very tired momma- as she navigates two kids under two at the moment. it's so hard. and trying. and she is doing her very best. and i am so proud of her. 
oh, to be surrounded by beauty. i honestly think life's too short to live otherwise. spring has really sprung - the sunshine, the colors to fill our days with bits of things that make us smile. 
"there is nothing in nature that blooms all year long, so don't expect yourself to do so either."
maybe it's because i don't really like to be the center of attention? ... but mother's day has quickly become even more special than a birthday. i adore and love it more than i thought i would. 

maybe it's the pride i feel by being a mom... birthing, taking care of my sons, watching them grow every day. 

maybe it's the other women- especially the close ones in my own life; the ones who make me feel like i am part of a community- one like no other. a look into their eyes, a simple nod, recognizing the really hard days and the indescribable love, and hugging other mommas after church yesterday- it's such a special bond.
motherhood is 
it's loss
it's folding up tiny onesies
it's lots of grace
it's perseverance
and waiting
your heart whispering, 'i have waited for you.' 
it's in the beautiful faces of my sons.
parks + nash
you have my whole heart
thank you for making my life so incredibly precious-
 so full of the little joys.
(you have both made my mom dreams come true- beyond measure) 

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