i carried you | a year older | olive june
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i carried you | a year older

while we were at the beach last week in south carolina, i remembered a post i wrote exactly one year ago. the monaco family beach trip included just parks and i for the majority of the week (tim sadly had to work) and was only parks' second time to the shore. i remember telling him, 'this is the sea. do you hear that? that's a wave. it's the water breaking on the shore. do you feel that? that is sand. you can see imprints of your feet sink into it. the taste on your lips? that is salt. isn't it so beautiful?" i would tell him as he slept. 
ps: i can't stop listening to this


it is hard for me to go to the beach and not sit and reflect. i reflect about gratitude, hardships, overcoming obstacles ... the year that led up to the trip. i remember feeling vulnerable last year, as i sat on the porch with a cup of black coffee and wrote this post. today, i thought i would share it again- as parks experienced the magic of the atlantic coast as a toddler this year, i could not help but think about how i still carry him. and how a piece of me always will. 

someday, when we are both much older, i will whisper to you about how much i carried you. i had the honor of carrying your fragile infant body- your pudgy arms, your joyful squeals, your boisterous kicks {those chubby thighs you have steal my heart daily} your curious looks up to me with your green, hazel eyes, and your ear to ear smiles.

i hope my presence made you feel safe and secure. 
i hope to be your calm- as you are my wild. 
you are my whole heart and my whole being. together- we are wrapped together as i carry you. even on the hard days; the days we climbed mountains together- always remember, i carried you. on the regular days that are no longer a memory-always remember, i carried you. 

six months (now eighteen!) together and you have brought me joy every step of the way. 

i hope i always remind you to pray for the simple joys, to take in the hardships with grace, and to always, always stay humble. 
when you are feeling life's stress... 
release hatred, anxiety, and fear from your kind heart- my sweet baby boy. 
you snuggle so deeply into my chest- sleeping so sweetly and breathing so tenderly. 
i have carried you - i will always carry you. 
i carry your heart {i carry it in my heart} 

dear beautiful boy, i carried you
each summer brings so much reflection, so much hope (and sometimes shame) 
i am learning to let go - to embrace empathy- yet not let it determine my worth 

it is a journey and i hope to do more simple things this year
simple things- done with care 
xo

2 comments:

  1. This made me cry! Ah. It's an exciting time, but they grow up so fast.

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    Replies
    1. awe, you have the sweetest heart and happy birthday to phoenix!! hope that cute boy has the best day. xo

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